Rejected Grimoire Cards

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The Crucible

“As if things couldn’t be any worse while I’m lying there, bleeding out from a shotgun blast and enduring my assailant’s cod piece smacking against my helmet, I hear Lord Shaxx come over my Comm Link. He tells me that I’ll learn from this defeat. You know what I learned? Shaxx is an asshole and I hate him.” –Jeremy the Accosted

 Lord Shaxx

“We will have to reforge the sword, Guardian, but first I will need a few things. You, uh… might want to clear your schedule for the rest of the week. Maybe longer.” –Lord Shaxx

Queen’s Wrath

“Everybody wants to join our club. Can you blame them? Our Queen is a badass, our armor is highly sought after and the amount of fan fiction written about me could overload your Ghost’s memory core. Hardly any of it is appropriate, too, which is why you’ll see several authors on this week’s bounties.” –Petra Venj

The Cabal

/Hey guys/ We need a raid/ Everyone else has raids/ The Hive laughs at us/ They have two raids/ Guardians play with Hive all the time/ They never come to Mars to hang out anymore/ Our raid could be awesome/ With tanks/ Explosions/ Beer/ Maybe hard cider/ Cabal raid/ This needs to happen/ -Intercepted Cabal Transmittal

The Dreadnaught

Oryx: What do you mean ‘the Cabal are here’? How the hell did they get on board?

Warpriest: They came in through the starboard window.

Oryx: We don’t even have a starboard window!

Warpriest: Well… we do now.

Alak-Hul, the Darkblade

“Did his head come off during the fight? That is sick. Hey, look around and see if it’s still here. I wanna turn it into a hat.” –Lydia the Demented

Hard Light

The Guardian who commissioned it needed a weapon capable of penetrating even the toughest Hive carapace and also one that said, “I like to party.”

Zhalo Supercell

“I have to warn you: there is a moderate risk of electrocution… and an extreme risk of becoming a heavy metal thunder god. Now throw up the devil horns and get out there, Guardian.” –Gunsmith

Chroma

You can run but you can’t hide. You can’t get Magenta to drop, either.

Glimmer

“There are no guarantees in life, Guardian… except that nothing you ever need will cost more than 25,000 glimmer. That you can rest your hat on.” –Cayde-6

The Black Garden

“A place that inspires fear… that inspires dread… that inspired the name of my Grunge band. We’re opening for Lord Shaxx at the Underground this Friday. I can probably get you back stage.” –The Speaker

The Cryptarch

“You know, every time that guy tells me how ‘very lucky’ I am after opening a rare, 365 engram, I can’t tell if he’s being a sarcastic asshole or if he just hates his job and gave up a long time ago.” –Jason the Unfortuitous

Defiance of Yasmin

“Aw, what the hell is this? I wanted Quillum’s Terminus!” –Slayer of Warpriest

Challenge Mode

The Guardian funneled Golgoroth’s rage unto himself, allowing his team to devastate the beast without disruption. The other Guardians took turns pissing off the behemoth just to spice things up a bit.

Archon’s Forge

“We weren’t sure what waited for us inside that dome, and we weren’t going to find out, either. As soon as that egg cracked we lit that poor bastard up with a Shadowshot, Nova Bomb, five grenades, a Dragon’s Breath canister, three Flaming Axes and a Fist of Havoc. In hindsight, it may have been a bit much.” –After Actions Report from the Plaguelands

Primus Ta’Aun

/Okay/ No one panic/ We ran into a little obstacle fleeing Phobos/ We ran into the Dreadnaught/ Literally/ We faked a signal to the Emperor/ Will appear like we did this on purpose/ Don’t need the Guardians getting a big laugh about this later/ Gotta save face/ Everybody get your guns on/ Looks like we’re raiding Dreadnaught/ I know what you’re thinking/ Dumb plan/ It is/ Too late/ We’re committed to this now/ Let’s get out there/ Kick some ass/ Go Skyburners/ -Intercepted Cabal Trasmittal aboard the Dreadnaught

Prison of Elders

The end goal of any good prison is rehabilitation. In this area, the Prison of Elders excels beyond all others. Our state of the art facility houses inmates in the best accommodations the Reef has to offer. Fallen captives are allotted ether according to their customs and make delightful trustees. The Vex have put their cold, ruthless logic to a more productive use with tutoring and vocational classes. The Cabal have garnered tremendous outside interest with their spectacular intramural sporting events. Go Skyburners!

The Hive are a bit more anxious since the death of Oryx. We’ve mostly had to settle for just pacifying them by sticking them behind a computer and letting them play MMORPGs all day.

Bounties

The coordinated strike to retake the Moon was set back by months due to an eleventh-hour decision by Greg to head back to the tower because, in his words, “this is really the best way to get 10 Hive Majors all at once.”

The Tower

“You’ll never find a more majestic, awe-inspiring view. A concerning lack of guard rails, though.” –Cayde-6

Case

Case C. Capehart is an author of several novels and short stories currently on Amazon.com. You can find his Titan, TightPenny, running Universal Remote and No Backup Plans on Crucible and your judgments will be promptly ignored.