On the Bright Side – Consumable Craze

Guardians pop consumables every day, without giving much thought to where they come from, what goes in them, or how they’re affecting our space warrior bodies.

Consumable use in Last Safe City is at an all-time high. Whether it’s to casually gain a bit more reputation per strike, or feverishly farm Draksis with Three of Coins. Xur, who conveniently couldn’t be contacted for a comment on this story, is a major source of these products, but he isn’t the only trusted face peddling these out.

xur variks cayde

Variks and the Vanguard recently started providing consumables too, so we decided it might be time to inform the public about what is really going on with this consumable craze. We traveled to a remote location to talk with a Titan who oversees the packaging and production of the “harmless” consumables, and has admittedly used them to enhance his performance during strikes. He asked that his name not be included in the article. So, to protect his identity, we’ll call him Ted.

Ted, thanks for meeting up with us! What’s up with this sketchy location?

You can never be too careful. Xur has eyes and ears everywhere.

He does seem rather shady. How did you get involved in the business?

Well, we can’t all be galaxy saving superheroes. While training to fight back the darkness, I often struggled to maintain a high k/d, I couldn’t glide quite as long during jumps, and I have terrible accuracy when firing weapons. I often thought that slaying aliens just wasn’t my cup of tea.

One day, I seen an ad for a local business that was looking for a production supervisor, and I decided I should give it a try since causing mayhem and destruction wasn’t working out for me.

K/D isn’t everything. When did you discover that this business was up to no good?

We started out producing ammo synths, and it was very lucrative. We were rolling in glimmer, ether seeds, and strange coins. Then, Xur had the idea for Three of Coins, and that changed everything.

People were enticed by the idea of having a chance to fight back against RNGsus, and they loved it. To this day, I am not sure what Xur does with the fortune he has made off Three of Coins. Some say he has a basement full of strange coins and dives into them like some sort of rich animated duck.

Glimmer and Ether Seeds? So, Variks had a hand in this?

Look, what guardians do with coins is their own business… Concerning Variks, I wouldn’t necessarily say he was in on it. Hunting down thugs to imprison is expensive. He couldn’t exactly pander for donations, because people can’t listen to his raspy voice too long.

He seen how much profit Xur was making, and wanted in on it. Unfortunately for him, our manufacturing company could only provide him with Synths.

Wow, demand grew fast. How did your facility manage to keep up production?

Well, we had to start using some…less than desirable materials in our consumables.

That doesn’t sound unethical at all.

When I say ‘less than desirable’ I just mean small things. Like, maybe now they include less premium organic substances, and more rusted metal scavenged from the Cosmodrome.

Using consumables every few minutes could be bad for one’s health, right?

To be fair, there is no Tower Health Agency (THA) regulation on it. The Vanguard refuse to fund a study on how to effectively use Three of Coins. If they were concerned about the long term effects of consumables, they probably wouldn’t have nerfed the ammo capacity on our favorite weapons. The demand for Special Ammo Synths is as high as ever!

Even if  it is good for synth sales, shouldn’t we be worried that Guardians will run out while defending our existence?

Umm. Nah. I’m not really qualified to answer that. I couldn’t handle a few shanks on Patrol. There is no way I could understand the ammo demands of a raid, but I’m sure they will prevail. After all, they always do…

Is there anything else you would like to tell the public about consumables?

Use them responsibly. If you are comfortable knowing Xur and others are amassing riches off your RNG misfortune, then consume away!

If you are the type of guardian that enjoys dancing in front of your fireteam as yet another exotic engram drops for you, then by all means, consume Three of Coins until your heart is content. Just know you are probably consuming the rusted components of golden age technology. And, if you are one of the unfortunate souls that keeps running out of ammo while attempting slay Oryx, then join the crowd and resentfully pop another ammo synth while hoping your enemies don’t mow you down as you browse through your inventory.

Don’t miss the next On The Bright Side – We’ll be speaking with a Guardian who is suing the Gunsmith for false advertising after a failed attempt at changing the channel on his TV with Universal Remote.

Brent S
When I'm not writing to express the crazy thoughts in my head, I'll be slaying aliens with the Fireteam One clan.