When news of a mysterious disease broke this week, we here at On the Brightside knew it was our duty to investigate this hard hitting story. So, we slowly crawled out from under the rusted golden age relic we’ve been living under, dusted off our armor, and rocketed off to the barren landscape of Mars.
We were expecting to find something of a wonder, amazement, and intrigue, but what we actually found were residents of the Red Planet with a simple message: “Stay off our sand!”
After being caught rummaging through the trash of a local cabal named Arraarach Gungtan, which we have been told from an unreliable source translates to “Jake,” we sat down with him to talk about how guardians have been inconveniencing the locals…
Jake, can you tell us the atmosphere around the Dust Palace has been like during the last week?
“Please, call me Arraarach Gungtan. To answer your question, guardians have turned our peaceful neighborhood into something resembling a spring break dive. They are everywhere. Rummaging through our trash, inspecting every nook and cranny of our properties, and worst of all, massacring our residents!”
I’m sorry, I will not call you that. Jake is just easier, ya know? Is your neighborhood really that peaceful? You guys are hostile and armed to the teeth with guns and homing missiles…
“Sure, we’re avid gun enthusiasts around here, but we use them to express ourselves. Like, if my neighbor is out checking his mail I might fire a few rockets his way to say good morning. If guardians are trespassing on my property I might team shoot them with my buddies, but we really don’t mean any harm. I just don’t want them riding their sparrows around on my front lawn.”
Do you, or any of the other residents, know anything about this mystery mite that’s been infecting the guardians?
“I know that it has caused the schools here to be shut down completely until it blows over. This might be hard to believe, but the cabal aren’t known for their intelligence. We need all the schooling we can get. My son has dreams opening his own pizza restaurant one day, but I fear that without the proper schooling he will wind up traveling the galaxy, blowing up planets and moons as a just another hired goon in the cabal army.”
It’s actually shocking to hear that you meatheads aren’t particularly intelligent, Jake.
“The worst part of all these shenanigans is that it’s driving property values down! I couldn’t move away from all this if I wanted to. I mean, there wasn’t much demand for a sprawling property on Mars to begin with, but how do you sell your home when there is constantly the faint sound of guardian killing himself with a rocket to glitch into secret room?”
To be fair, Jake, I can’t imagine your home is in great shape if a 1,000-pound buffoon has been living in it. Is there anything else you want to tell the guardians?
“Be respectful of our environment, please. The residents of this great planet are trying their hardest to make this place barely livable. If you must tirelessly search for secrets, please realize they probably aren’t buried in my trash. And, keep your 5 different diseases to yourself. Do you realize how long of a drive it is to get to a doctor around here?”
Despite Jake’s wishes, we must continue to try to find the meaning behind this infection. Is there anything to find? Are we going insane from hunting down every broken computer in the Dust Palace? Should we be told from some higher power just what the heck is going on?
Unfortunately, we don’t have the answer to any of those questions, but we are willing to run every Cabal mission 8 more times with only sword hilts to find out.